Do’s and Don’t: A Snarky Rant from an Overly Tired Bartender

21 Mar

For some, crossing the plane into a bar equals losing all morals, manners and any trace of behaving like a normal human being. Keep your self together people – stop “sheening” around and be nice to your bartenders. Here is a short list of do’s and don’t I have compiled to help you regain some of your dignity.

DON’T get on chairs, flail arms/money around, yell my name/girl/bartender, snap, whistle, or do anything you wouldn’t do to your Starbuck’s bartista – I see you, I know you are there, I will get to you. I understand you cannot socially function without a brewski bro but 30 seconds of waiting isn’t going to increase your chances with that Megan Fox look-alike.

DON’T leave me change. I am not homeless. If you can’t round up to $1 bill, don’t come to the bar.

DO ask for samples of beer before you get it. Get to know your beers, love them, embrace them. Naturally, I am all for you trying new beers.

DON’T ask me to take pictures of you and your 25 drunk friends, look at it, decide you look horrid and make me take 10 more pictures. I am not your personal paparazzi. Ask the door guy, he’s probably bored.

DO ask for a taxi. Usually every bar has cards for taxi drivers or would be more than happy to call you a cab I laugh hysterically when I see your DUI mug shot in the paper the next day I don’t relish in seeing your mug shot in the paper the next day, although your make-up and tear smeared face did give a good laugh over my morning coffee.

DON’T fit 6 girls in a bathroom stall, take forever and leave it disgusting. I know that your future ex husband is flirting with your best friend, but I don’t give a crap, and I really have to pee. Go have an emotional breakdown somewhere else por favor.

DO come in for happy hour and chat with your bartender. Hell, this may even land you a free beer.

DON’T stay at the bar if you are sloppy/falling/vomiting. Go home, your bed is the only one who loves you right now.

DO start a tab. If you know you’re going to be at the same bar all night, it is much faster and easier for me and you if you start a tab. Instead of making change or running through a credit card, you just have to tell me your name and *bam* it takes me 2 seconds to get your drink. You can still pay out in cash at the end.

DON’T ask me to hold your purse, jacket, heels or anything behind the bar. It’s not my fault you came to the bar in 6-inch heels with that body bag you call a purse. There are things called clutches and sandals, they are great, try them.

DO tip good the first time (at least the first time). Good tip = I will remember your face = I will make sure to come back to you first = great service = you never having to wait long for drinks. It’s a mutually beneficial thing.

DON’T ask me for free beer or try to weasel your way into getting one. No, it didn’t hurt when I feel from the sky, my legs aren’t tired from running through your mind and of course I come here often, I work here, dumb ass. Pay for drinks and move along.


2 Responses to “Do’s and Don’t: A Snarky Rant from an Overly Tired Bartender”

  1. Afrobutterfly March 21, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

    Co-sign. Go get ’em, tiger.

  2. plainjane March 30, 2011 at 1:30 am #

    Thoroughly entertained. 🙂

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