You Probably Think This Post Is About You: The (OAKED) Arrogant Bastard

7 Jul

There’s a difference between “collecting” and “hoarding,” I’m told

My girlfriend is out of town — for six month — so I decided to spend this 97 degree Miami day moping in my air-conditioned loft burning Robbie Jr.’s college fund at Total Wine & More in North Beach. Let’s just say, per this Biscayne Mecca, I’ve seen the light (“AND IT’S SOURING MY HEINEKEN” ~ The Heineken brewer who just realized pale green bottles and 3000 miles make his beer taste of piss), and it looks like a square warehouse of wine lined by Bell’s and Belgians and Bastards.

As the Beasties might say, it’s got the ill peripheral.

So 45 minutes, $45 and a retarded lady later — “Honey, is this the eepa you like?” (referring to a Jai Alai) — I’m hauling back a sixer of OAKED Arrogant Bastard, a 4-pack each of La Fin Du Monde and Old Rasputin (because who doesn’t like an imperial Russian in the dead of summer) and a bomber, at the recommendation of bearded hipster wundersage Brian “Like The Amazon Product” Kindle, of Scheinder Weisse.

Longest sentence ever^^^.

Shortest sentence of this post^^^.


^^^Shortest sentence ever.

ANYWAYS, this is an aggressive ale. You probably won’t like it. I speak, of course, of Stone’s flagship beer, the Arrogant Bastard. I’m reviewing the OAKED version of this big brash brew — i.e. the illegitimate offspring, so to speak, of the super-hopped, slightly malty strong ale from America’s best brewery.

Sublimely self-righteous

This variant, so I’m told, is aged with American oak wood chips. But, truthfully, they don’t come through. Why? Because a nuclear hop missile just went Sum Of All Fears on your ass.

(Beer for Girls: Come for the beer commentary, stay for obscure references to Ben Affleck box office flops.)

That’s generally the issue with the Arrogant Bastard. It won’t stop looking at its abs in the mirror.  The hop bitterness is so intense as to drown out every other flavor. I dunno. Maybe I just don’t have a very discerning palate. But where are these “dark fruits” and “toffee” I hear about? I taste sharp, biting, piney hops and, to a lesser extent, caramel and scotch. Oh boy, and that aftertaste, it lasts longer than, well, Ross from Friends, for one.

Still, this brew has a lot going for it: a beautiful tan amber hue, a chewy mouthfeel, and lacing that puts Peter Parker’s spidey web to shame. Not much of a head (two Peter Dinklage-sized fingers with a healthy poor), but then, looks don’t matter so much when you have the prestige factor. And drinking the Bastard is like driving a Ferrari Mondial, only the beer goes faster.

Gone in 60 seconds

A six-pack goes for (gasp) 22 bucks at the Quick Stop down the street. I got it “discounted” for $16.99. Sooooooo…..

Next round’s on Robbie Jr, future Summa Cum Laude, Brevard County Community College.



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